Champeen?

It's Championship Day, and I'm starting off the day in a BIG hole, as my TE got me 3 points, and Davey Boy's flex TE got him 37 last night. But I'm still feeling kinda confident about winning it all. Or not. Yeah, maybe not.

Week 5 Review, Week 6 Preview

Week 5 Review

Happy effing birthday to me. Thanks a lot to D Dub for beating my ass, but not too badly, just by 16 points. Best birthday present ever.

To add insult to injury, my Chargers lost, AND Susie Q is ahead of me in standings and points. How does that happen?

Karen's Manatees beat the snot out of Mama Bear. Maybe it's the married couple loses to the bridesmaid and groomsman week? There was a time when starting Peyton would get you 35 points. Nowadays, Andy Dalton sat on Mama's bench and busted out 35 to Peyton's 9.

Susan's Awesomeness keeps plugging along with another win. Then again, it was over Bryrica, so, it should really only count as a half a win. Bry's Guys/Gals did about as well as possible, though s/he left Hurns on the bench with 26 points. Oh, and Susie? If you insist on not playing Dion Lewis, make me a trade offer, wouldya?

Newbie Corey's Destroyers just can't catch a break, losing a narrow match against the 'Heads. Both teams left a couple of big scorers on the bench - that Rawls kid looks pretty damn good, Corey. Might want to hope Beast Mode stays in Least Mode.

Marisa just had to be honest with herself to get her first victory. Changing her name to the proper terminology (Smelly Cat) worked out pretty well. Then again, maybe it was because she was playing Gerry that led to her win. Yawn.

Week 6 Preview


Commish vs. Corey

Manatee vs. Platypi

Awesome vs. Mama Bear

Bryrica vs. Gonzo

Ooof. Just look away. Nothing to see here.


Smelly Cat vs. Leatherheads

Uh, sorry. There wasn't a Leather "Heads" meme pic.



So that's it. In case you didn't quite get it from above, I really want to be back in first place for points. Susan, I know how to tweak your nerves, so just score under 100 this week would you? Or else...

Anyway, time for the sign off. I'll let Sir Patrick Stewart take it from here.

Commish

Since 1993.

I've been at this fantasy football thing for over 20 years. Weekly reports used to involve postage stamps.

Week 3 Review, Week 4 Preview

Week 3 Review

So I don’t know if you knew this or not, but I won. Again. As a matter of fact, I am also undefeated in my other league. (Yes, I’m cheating on all of you.) In USC last week, it didn’t even matter that my starting QB got his knee twisted like a pretzel and only scored 6 points before being carted off the field. Of course, it may have helped that I was playing the hapless Bryricas. My beat down would have been even more profound, but Julio Jones donned a Superman cape, carrying the load with 48 points. The odd thing was that I didn’t have the highest point total for the first time this year, even though I scored 163 points. Go figure. I am totally confused as to what went wrong.

 The honor of highest points and total ass-whoopin’ delivered was broughten to us courtesy of Susie Q’s Awesomeness, who SPANKED the Homeless Manatee, 245 to 102. Yeah, 245 points! I’m not certain, but that might just be an all time record for this league.

*Five* players scored 25+ points for Susan, compared to just one for Karen. Only one thing could hurt worse than that beating....

In the Daddy-Daughter Dance, Papa Leatherheads squeaked out a victory over Mama Bear, 119 – 113. (Looks like that trade for James Jones worked out okay, huh? Not so much for me. I sure could use Rivers back right about now.) Carla had a donut from the TE, and also left 52 points on the bench from Steve Smith, and 41 from Andy Dalton. (Though in her defense, who the hell would start Andy freaking Dalton? Maybe Hitler.)

(Seriously. Watch that video. Funny as hell.)

Marisa hasn’t yet learned that when you mess with mammals, you get the Moose by the horns. (Or some such nonsense. Stop threatening my man, Grey Goose Moose!) The Platypi delivered a thrashing, 163 – 129. D37 had 2 starters go Oh-fer, so if she had simply put in other players from her bench….oh wait. Her bench sucked too. Nothing seems to work out for Marisa, except her cat.

In the BATTLE OF WHO COULD CARE LESS the Gonzo got off the schneid, beating Corey’s Self-Annihilators, 128-113. Someone had to win, I suppose. Even though Corey is a self-proclaimed fantasy sports demi-god, he’s lost his first three games, and above all else,  it’s REALLY not looking too good when you lose to Gerry Gonzo. Wow - even the old Pope is talking smack to the new guy...

Week 4 Preview

 

I’m going to win, and most of the rest of you will lose. Is that sufficient?

Ok. Sigh.

I’ll be taking on my wife, who is still smarting from a smack down for her dad. Maybe I should go easy on her?

I just need Michael Vick to play well tonight. (Oh please God, don’t let him get hit again like he just did on the first play!)

Karen’s Mad Manatee’s take on the ANDROGYNOUS PATS, er, Bryricas in a contest to see who is more deserving of .500.  I am pulling for Karen, since Bryrica did a low down dirty theft of my waiver claim, Tyrod Taylor. Bitch/bastard.

Susan was just upset last week because she lost to me in week 2. She likely spent all of her points for the year in that one, pent-up, frustration of a game, so she’s due for a let-down. Then again, she’s playing Gerry, so if she can score more than 50 points, she’ll have a chance of winning.

(Oh holy hell. I tried looking up Bing images for "Gonzo sucks" and not one of the results involved a Muppet. Go ahead, look it up. I dare ya - I double dog dare ya.)

The only other undefeated team is the Platypis who are riding high, but coming to town are the Leatherheads, standing firm at 2-1. Could be a matchup for the ages, but then again, perhaps my expectations are too high, just like this little guy...

 

Last, and DEFINITELY least, the battle of the shitties, Noob Destroyers visit Moose Killers. Both teams sit at 0-3, but you know who I’m rooting for, right? Then again, does it really matter?

 

So that’s about it. Again, could have been summarized completely with “I am awesome, you are not” but the villagers get restless if you don’t give them more news updates than that. (Sigh.)

As a heads up, I’m not entirely certain about next week’s update. I’ll be in Seven Springs, PA all next week for a conference, and then when I return, it’s my 24^th birthday on football Sunday. If I see sufficient commentary, perhaps that would propel me to put something together…

Until then, let’s go Mike Vick, and as always…

BEATDAVE,

BEATMARISA.

Commish

On this day...

...four years ago, this was the review-preview I posted. What a blast from the past. Even a reference to the east coast getting pounded by a monsoon. Prophesy for this Sunday???

Enjoy!

Everyone was still losing, and I was still winning.

Commish

Week 2 Review, Week 3 Preview

I posted a quick and dirty 7 minute video for this week. There's a shout out to Pope Franky and a new baller, JB Byrd.

Week 2 Review, Week 3 Preview
 
Post some comments this week wouldya? I feel like I am talking to the wall. Comment on youtube, on the blog (http://uscfantasy.blogspot.com/), or on the USC Yahoo site. I'd prefer the blog site or the USC Yahoo page - I tweaked some settings on the blog. Hopefully that should resolve any comments issues; just select "anonymous" as your profile. Give it a try, and let me know if you couldn't post.

http://uscfantasy.blogspot.com/

BEATMARISA,

Commish

Grey Goose Moose says hello from the Great Northwest, where he is currently vacationing. He sends his regards, and said that during the solitude, he is plotting very bad things to do to other USC teams.

Week 1 Review

Well, well, well....look who lost their games last week. More importantly, guess who *didn't* lose his game...that's right, your beloved Commish dominated with a crap ton o' points. I destroyed Karen's Mad Manatees, 181 - 133. At least she has an IPA to drown her sorrows.

Meanwhile, I am taking a mature, reasoned, adult approach to my victory.

Susan's Awesomeness overcame Ol' Man Leatherheads (135-114) in the most exciting game of the week. Or not.

The Beatdown of the Week Award somehow goes to Bryrica, by beating his opponent by 63 points. How on Earth could that happen?

....he was playing Marisa, who couldn't even crack the century mark. As such, here's a little message for our wannabe moose killer...

Mama Bear, meanwhile, took care of Corey's Team Destroyers, 138-107. I'm not sure if his team name means he's going to try to destroy your team, or if his players are so horrible that they are destroying *his* team. Silly boy, you self-destroyer.

In a surprising development, Gerry's Gonzo actually put up 141 points, only to lose to Dave's Platypi, who scored 170.

Week 2 Preview

Let's try to make this a Star Trek themed venture, shall we?

Susan is beating me as of right now, but I'm confident I'll make it out just fine, because I am so....

 In the saddest looking matchup of the week, Mad Manatee and Great Gonzo face off in a certain turd sandwich of a game.

The 'Heads and the Bryrica Jenners will play a classic for the ages. Here's John calmly telling everyone that he thinks a victory is likely.

Mama Bear is set to take on Marisa, in what should continue to be a hopeless season for the Moose Killer's players, who by the way are not good people.

Oh, and Mama Bear said she'll handle things just fine, without needing a Star Trek meme.

Lastly, we have Davey Boy's Confused Land Mammals taking on Corey's self-annihilators. None of us have been too sure as to how Dave came up with his team mascot, but Worf has an idea.

So that's it for now. Good luck to everyone, except you know who. I'd bet she's getting pretty tired of my abuse.

I don't really care about her team, other than that they lose often, and by a lot. So here's where I usually end with the repetitive tagline, wishing defeat upon 'Risa's team, but let's change that up just a bit today, shall we?


Good luck to everyone, except you know who.

Commish

Hard at work

The Grey Goose Moose was thinking long and hard about our draft strategy. We think it turned out okay.

BEATMARISA,

Commish

PS Congrats on the 3 defenses, Marisa.

Who got #1?

The draft is Saturday, 8/29/15 at 1pm EST. Rather than let Yahoo randomly determine our draft order this year, I decided to do some ordering of my own this year, using random chance (so far as you know). I've set the draft order based on this ping pong ball type drawing, so check it out - Did you get the first pick?

Good luck in this draft, except for one person.

BEATMARISA.

Commish

Pre-Draft Rant

I was trying to write a nice, meaningful, articulate intro to this first post, but the words didn’t seem to be entirely genuine.  So let’s just start it like this:

“What’s up, bitches?  You’re all going to lose, so maybe you should just stop reading now, eh?”

No?

Okay, but I’m warning you, it’s all downhill from here.

Instead of doing the occasional email, I’ve decided to attempt a weekly blog to provide updates. Yes, I said *weekly.* The old heads in the group remember my weekly, extensive updates, complete with narrated PowerPoint, video, pics, etc. No idea how detailed this blog will get, but I figured I’d see how this one goes, and move forward (or backward) from there. (Oh, “Stan Austin” was my radio name way back in the day; nowadays, it’s my spam name, and the name under which I have 11 maxed-out fake credit cards that Visa will never be able to track down, so SHHHHH…..)

This important news update is brought to you by a little horsey named Paul Revere - the draft is coming THE DRAFT IS COMING! The draft will be held online (check our league webpage for the link) on Saturday, August 29 at 1pm, EST. (Unless you’re Marisa, in which case, the draft starts at 1pm Pacific.) Your options for the draft: 1) Draft your own team in real time by signing into the chat room; 2) Pre-rank your players via the “rank your players” settings, and allow the computer to pick your players based on your rankings; 3) Do nothing. Yahoo will pick your team based on Yahoo rankings. 4) Give up. Seriously, you know you’re going to lose, so just quit while you’re ahead. *coughcoughGerrycoughcough*

Moving on…we have another newbie to the crew this year. This league has been together for well over a decade now, and it seems that we always have ONE spot that is in near constant turmoil. (Denise Irvan/Ring has a special place in Hell for leaving us. TWICE.) Hopefully, we have remedied that with a New Edition. (Yeah, I got Bobby Brown! Who am I kidding? I’m not well connected enough to get Bobby Brown! I guess you’ll just all have to settle for Ralph Tresvant, and I hope you can take a man with  SEN-SA-TI-VI-TY.) Wow. That may have been too obscure, too early.

Soooo…without further ado, here are the introductions.

League Champion last year was, of course, me. (Wait…what? I didn’t win? Surely there must be a mistake!) Ohhhh…that’s right, we’ve been alternating titles in the Owens-Schriml triad, and last year was dad-in-law John Schriml’s turn – even though he had a losing record in the regular season. John captains the Leatherheads, and he’s always in the thick of things come playoff time, you know since he is related to the Commish and all. John is originally from Minnesota, but is a Green Bay Packers diehard, which is kind of like being a Cowboys fan in Philly, without the mandatory gun play outside the stadium. The pic you see is either beat-down but victorious John, or some random “In Memoriam” pic of a Packers legend that died 85years ago. Cool hat though; at least we know where the “Leatherheads” name comes from.

In second place last year was Mama Bear, the lovely Carla (Schriml) Owens. Again, it pays to know the Commish; I’m convinced this fact is why John and Carla keep me around. Apparently, 3^rd place was too soft, and first place was too hard, but 2^nd place was juuuust right. Besides, Mama Bear got a bit distracted when she and her kids saw a pool. 

Mama and Cubs cool off 

In third place was yours truly, the Road Runner.  I plan on avenging my lack of championship this year, because it’s my turn in the triad, as far as I am concerned. Here are my thoughts on the upcoming season. 

PUNKS

Actually, maybe it should be my theme song, kind of like this one:

Every hero needs theme music.

In fourth overall place was Dave Wells, owner of the mighty Fighting Platypi, based out of the Charlottesville, VA area. Davey Boy is presently attending a 3 month long training adventure with the FBI Academy in Quantico, which really just means that he has learned to take a blast of pepper spray to the eyeball without soiling himself. Anyway, the amphibious freaky mammal type creature did something in the regular season that hasn’t been done very often – the Platypi went undefeated – a solid 13-0, absolutely dominating the rest of the league. As a matter of fact, Dave qualified for a regular season award, which also explains his perpetual singlehood. He's a Fly Guy

However, he came up short when it mattered. Again, an explanation for his perpetual singlehood.

Next up was, inexplicably, Moose Killers, owned by Marisa Tomei. (Hey, Tomei is easier to spell than Taddonniosininoionsinatracaesarouzospartaboyardee, okay?) Marisa is based out of King of Prussia, where she has unsuccessfully petitioned every year to be the Queen. Really, all she really wants is discounts at the mall. As for fantasy sports, killing the Moose (Grey Moose, aka, *me*) is a pipe dream. Speaking of pipe dreams, here’s the meme for Marisa’s season.

The Sherman Tanks were rescued by the Commish, as apparently Debo couldn’t figure out how to work the advanced technology of the interweb. After 6 weeks of indifference and ineptitude, I took his team over and established some semblance of respectability. As far as I am concerned with the Sherman Tanks, they never existed in the first place, and they have been replaced by Corey’s Crazy Team (more to come later).

Mad Manatee is the next place loser; based out of J-ville, Flo-rida, and owned by the hapless manager Karen Schindler. (I hear that every year she has a pretty good LIST of players to draft.) Anyway, our former maid of honor is bringing dishonor to the ring of our family, as she has been non-competitive for so long that she is mostly irrelevant to the point of invisibility.

Concentrated Awesome…sigh. I don’t even know where to begin here. If it wasn’t for Gonzo, I don’t think there’s a more depressing team in league history. Has Susan Moore (Wallace) of the Collegeville/Pottstown area ever actually won a game in fantasy? (I mean, aside from the occasionally lucky biannual victory against me?) With her new-ish last name, we can take away her wins, but never take away her freedom. Or can we?

Somehow, Gerry Gonzalez managed to not come in last placed this year (thanks to the absolute incompetence of Bryrica), but he’s still holding out hope that his Great Gonzo team can still suck enough balls to be THE bottom feeder in 2015. But Gerry doesn’t seem to care; like Humpty Hump, he’s got that big nose.

In LAST place, Brucelyn Jenner. Uh, I mean, Bryrica. (See, those socially approved gender bending jokes were about 8 years ahead of the zeitgeist shifts, eh?) Bryrica is a team of Bryant and Sherica Bankhead, and they co-own the worst team in the history of fantasy sports ever, besides Gonzo. I think Bryrica are up to child number 11, though after #8, we ran out of gender descriptive terms for this quadrant of the galaxy. (Andorian culture from Star Trek was consulted, to no avail.) Bryant is a diehard Bears fan, having grown up in the Windy City, and Sherica is a bandwagon Alabama Tide fan. (Sherica *did* go to Alabama….for lunch.) Together, their football IQ approximates the average bowling score of a toddler with no arms. Here’s a coupla videos to bring a smile to their metro-hetero-androgyno-faces.

Number 6

Roll Tide!

And last but certainly least, our resident annual newbie who is destined to abandon us within 8 games, Corey Byrd, owner of the aptly, creatively named, Corey’s Crazy Team. Here’s what I know about Corey – he lives in my neighborhood and also has daughters on the local swim team, and a teenage son who never leaves his room (insert your own jokes here, ladies and gentlemen). Corey happens to kinda sorta work for Comcast or PECO as an installer. Regardless of who he works for, you can blame him whenever something goes wrong with either service. Corey is a native Philadelphian, but somehow manages to root for the Knicks, Redskins, UNC, and Satan. He assures me he is a seasoned fantasy player; although when I asked him who his first pick would be he promptly replied, “Jenna Jameson.” I can think of no better way to close down this portion of the opening update than to say that the best thing about Corey, or so I have heard, is his last name.

 Corey's theme

*****

So there you have it, losers. I’m looking forward to beating up on all of you this year (except for Carla and John; it’s in our family contract that we distribute victories equitably). Looking to the future, I am going to try to figure out how to legitimately include parentheses inside of parentheses inside of brackets inside of parentheses during my inane commentary. Also, I usually sign off each update with the same disparaging comment aimed at Marisa. Let’s try something different this year, shall we?

Best of luck to everyone, except when you play me. Oh, and, as always,

BEATSUSAN.

(Uh, that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?)

Take two.

Best of luck to everyone, except when you play me. Oh, and as always,

BEATMARISA.

(Yup, that’s it.)

Commish