Pre-Draft Rant

I was trying to write a nice, meaningful, articulate intro to this first post, but the words didn’t seem to be entirely genuine.  So let’s just start it like this:

“What’s up, bitches?  You’re all going to lose, so maybe you should just stop reading now, eh?”

No?

Okay, but I’m warning you, it’s all downhill from here.

Instead of doing the occasional email, I’ve decided to attempt a weekly blog to provide updates. Yes, I said *weekly.* The old heads in the group remember my weekly, extensive updates, complete with narrated PowerPoint, video, pics, etc. No idea how detailed this blog will get, but I figured I’d see how this one goes, and move forward (or backward) from there. (Oh, “Stan Austin” was my radio name way back in the day; nowadays, it’s my spam name, and the name under which I have 11 maxed-out fake credit cards that Visa will never be able to track down, so SHHHHH…..)

This important news update is brought to you by a little horsey named Paul Revere - the draft is coming THE DRAFT IS COMING! The draft will be held online (check our league webpage for the link) on Saturday, August 29 at 1pm, EST. (Unless you’re Marisa, in which case, the draft starts at 1pm Pacific.) Your options for the draft: 1) Draft your own team in real time by signing into the chat room; 2) Pre-rank your players via the “rank your players” settings, and allow the computer to pick your players based on your rankings; 3) Do nothing. Yahoo will pick your team based on Yahoo rankings. 4) Give up. Seriously, you know you’re going to lose, so just quit while you’re ahead. *coughcoughGerrycoughcough*

Moving on…we have another newbie to the crew this year. This league has been together for well over a decade now, and it seems that we always have ONE spot that is in near constant turmoil. (Denise Irvan/Ring has a special place in Hell for leaving us. TWICE.) Hopefully, we have remedied that with a New Edition. (Yeah, I got Bobby Brown! Who am I kidding? I’m not well connected enough to get Bobby Brown! I guess you’ll just all have to settle for Ralph Tresvant, and I hope you can take a man with  SEN-SA-TI-VI-TY.) Wow. That may have been too obscure, too early.

Soooo…without further ado, here are the introductions.

League Champion last year was, of course, me. (Wait…what? I didn’t win? Surely there must be a mistake!) Ohhhh…that’s right, we’ve been alternating titles in the Owens-Schriml triad, and last year was dad-in-law John Schriml’s turn – even though he had a losing record in the regular season. John captains the Leatherheads, and he’s always in the thick of things come playoff time, you know since he is related to the Commish and all. John is originally from Minnesota, but is a Green Bay Packers diehard, which is kind of like being a Cowboys fan in Philly, without the mandatory gun play outside the stadium. The pic you see is either beat-down but victorious John, or some random “In Memoriam” pic of a Packers legend that died 85years ago. Cool hat though; at least we know where the “Leatherheads” name comes from.

In second place last year was Mama Bear, the lovely Carla (Schriml) Owens. Again, it pays to know the Commish; I’m convinced this fact is why John and Carla keep me around. Apparently, 3^rd place was too soft, and first place was too hard, but 2^nd place was juuuust right. Besides, Mama Bear got a bit distracted when she and her kids saw a pool. 

Mama and Cubs cool off 

In third place was yours truly, the Road Runner.  I plan on avenging my lack of championship this year, because it’s my turn in the triad, as far as I am concerned. Here are my thoughts on the upcoming season. 

PUNKS

Actually, maybe it should be my theme song, kind of like this one:

Every hero needs theme music.

In fourth overall place was Dave Wells, owner of the mighty Fighting Platypi, based out of the Charlottesville, VA area. Davey Boy is presently attending a 3 month long training adventure with the FBI Academy in Quantico, which really just means that he has learned to take a blast of pepper spray to the eyeball without soiling himself. Anyway, the amphibious freaky mammal type creature did something in the regular season that hasn’t been done very often – the Platypi went undefeated – a solid 13-0, absolutely dominating the rest of the league. As a matter of fact, Dave qualified for a regular season award, which also explains his perpetual singlehood. He's a Fly Guy

However, he came up short when it mattered. Again, an explanation for his perpetual singlehood.

Next up was, inexplicably, Moose Killers, owned by Marisa Tomei. (Hey, Tomei is easier to spell than Taddonniosininoionsinatracaesarouzospartaboyardee, okay?) Marisa is based out of King of Prussia, where she has unsuccessfully petitioned every year to be the Queen. Really, all she really wants is discounts at the mall. As for fantasy sports, killing the Moose (Grey Moose, aka, *me*) is a pipe dream. Speaking of pipe dreams, here’s the meme for Marisa’s season.

The Sherman Tanks were rescued by the Commish, as apparently Debo couldn’t figure out how to work the advanced technology of the interweb. After 6 weeks of indifference and ineptitude, I took his team over and established some semblance of respectability. As far as I am concerned with the Sherman Tanks, they never existed in the first place, and they have been replaced by Corey’s Crazy Team (more to come later).

Mad Manatee is the next place loser; based out of J-ville, Flo-rida, and owned by the hapless manager Karen Schindler. (I hear that every year she has a pretty good LIST of players to draft.) Anyway, our former maid of honor is bringing dishonor to the ring of our family, as she has been non-competitive for so long that she is mostly irrelevant to the point of invisibility.

Concentrated Awesome…sigh. I don’t even know where to begin here. If it wasn’t for Gonzo, I don’t think there’s a more depressing team in league history. Has Susan Moore (Wallace) of the Collegeville/Pottstown area ever actually won a game in fantasy? (I mean, aside from the occasionally lucky biannual victory against me?) With her new-ish last name, we can take away her wins, but never take away her freedom. Or can we?

Somehow, Gerry Gonzalez managed to not come in last placed this year (thanks to the absolute incompetence of Bryrica), but he’s still holding out hope that his Great Gonzo team can still suck enough balls to be THE bottom feeder in 2015. But Gerry doesn’t seem to care; like Humpty Hump, he’s got that big nose.

In LAST place, Brucelyn Jenner. Uh, I mean, Bryrica. (See, those socially approved gender bending jokes were about 8 years ahead of the zeitgeist shifts, eh?) Bryrica is a team of Bryant and Sherica Bankhead, and they co-own the worst team in the history of fantasy sports ever, besides Gonzo. I think Bryrica are up to child number 11, though after #8, we ran out of gender descriptive terms for this quadrant of the galaxy. (Andorian culture from Star Trek was consulted, to no avail.) Bryant is a diehard Bears fan, having grown up in the Windy City, and Sherica is a bandwagon Alabama Tide fan. (Sherica *did* go to Alabama….for lunch.) Together, their football IQ approximates the average bowling score of a toddler with no arms. Here’s a coupla videos to bring a smile to their metro-hetero-androgyno-faces.

Number 6

Roll Tide!

And last but certainly least, our resident annual newbie who is destined to abandon us within 8 games, Corey Byrd, owner of the aptly, creatively named, Corey’s Crazy Team. Here’s what I know about Corey – he lives in my neighborhood and also has daughters on the local swim team, and a teenage son who never leaves his room (insert your own jokes here, ladies and gentlemen). Corey happens to kinda sorta work for Comcast or PECO as an installer. Regardless of who he works for, you can blame him whenever something goes wrong with either service. Corey is a native Philadelphian, but somehow manages to root for the Knicks, Redskins, UNC, and Satan. He assures me he is a seasoned fantasy player; although when I asked him who his first pick would be he promptly replied, “Jenna Jameson.” I can think of no better way to close down this portion of the opening update than to say that the best thing about Corey, or so I have heard, is his last name.

 Corey's theme

*****

So there you have it, losers. I’m looking forward to beating up on all of you this year (except for Carla and John; it’s in our family contract that we distribute victories equitably). Looking to the future, I am going to try to figure out how to legitimately include parentheses inside of parentheses inside of brackets inside of parentheses during my inane commentary. Also, I usually sign off each update with the same disparaging comment aimed at Marisa. Let’s try something different this year, shall we?

Best of luck to everyone, except when you play me. Oh, and, as always,

BEATSUSAN.

(Uh, that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it?)

Take two.

Best of luck to everyone, except when you play me. Oh, and as always,

BEATMARISA.

(Yup, that’s it.)

Commish